This spring I went on a white house silent retreat. It was a transformative experience. The story of St. Ignatius is very relatable to me and his Examen prayer has allowed me to see God in all things in a whole new way.
I think it's important to try something new as it relates to our faith journey. I often get comfortable and sink into a familiar pattern. God seems to push me at times, encouraging me to look at my relationship with him in the same vain as I attack my work. At work, I have goals, I put plans together, I invest in education for myself and my team. If I took that same sense of urgency and tenacity with my walk with Christ, how could I be luke warm?
By trying something new, and going outside of my routines, God had a great surprise for me. My relationship with Jesus, up until now, was more of a hero/fan relationship. I admired and studied this man with the zeal of a child looking up to Superman or a major league ball player. There was a distance between us I hadn't realized was there. I never really considered Him my friend. I wouldn't share my goals or fears. I didn't see that we had much in common. I looked up to Him, but if I was being honest, I never really wanted to hang out with Him.
The priest on my retreat told me that Jesus is not the vegetables on my plate that I force myself to eat because it's good for me. He's the best meal I've ever had. When I'm having a crazy time with some friends, he is there, laughing with me. When I reach a milestone at work, he wants me to share that with him. He is not disappointed that I'm trying to be successful. Who do I think gave me the gifts and talents I have in the first place? He is cracking out some of the finest wine from the wedding at Cana wanting to celebrate with me. But I never ask.
Well all that is changing. No longer do I ask in prayer what he wants from me, or apologize for a weakness. I bring it to Him. That's it. I just share it. There is no explanation of steps on how I'm going to tackle an issue. I don't have to fix anything. All I need to do is bring it to Him and we go through life together. I now listen for a response to my prayer. Before, I spoke for Him, explaining what He probably felt. If I did that with Lisa it wouldn't get me far.
I see an image of me on a sail boat crossing the sea. I think Jesus is on the other side, so I’m paddling to reach him. I pull my oar against the water with all my might. My muscles are sore. My shoulders are burnt from the sun. I’m sweaty and smell. I want to give up, but I labor on. This is my calling, my lot in life. I need to find the strength to dig harder. It's the only way I can get to him.
Finding God in all things, praying with my senses, and recognizing the nudge of the Holy Spirit has helped me see that Jesus is alive and active in my life. I’ve always been able to explain it. I’ve always understood it in my head, but the road from the head to the heart is a long one. I think I’ve started that journey.
My faith life for so long has been something I’ve been forcing myself to do. It was about discipline, not joy. Now I see that God didn’t create me for that.
I thought I’d share with you my last journal entry from the retreat. If you haven't gone before, I suggest you give it a try. I'll be going back next year….
The retreat is over. Everyone is pulling out of the parking lot. I’m not in a hurry. I thought I would journal one last time.
I see an image of me on a sail boat crossing the sea. I think Jesus is on the other side, so I’m paddling to reach him. I pull my oar against the water with all my might. My muscles are sore. My shoulders are burnt from the sun. I’m sweaty and smell. I want to give up, but I labor on. This is my calling, my lot in life. I need to find the strength to dig harder. It's the only way I can get to him.
Just then, St. Ignatius appears before me. He smiles and puts his arm around my shoulder. He calmly says, “Your boat is upside down.” What? What are you talking about? “Your boat. It’s upside down.” Just like that he is gone. Could it be? Have I had it wrong this whole time? I turn the boat over. The giant sail that was pulling against the current like an anchor now fills with wind. I relax as the boat soars across the sea. I dip by finger in the cool water. I smell and taste the salty air. I’m almost to shore. I know it’s You on the other side waiting for me, because for the first time in my life……I see you.
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