Counterfeit Happiness

 "I believe the overwhelming majority of men ... are quite capable of horse sense, and a certain basic decency. But they are also weak, through sin, often unexamined. The function of mass advertising — the primary tool of modern innovation, whether in the service of politics or commerce — is to tamper with them: to arouse and exploit envy, pride, greed, wrath, gluttony, lust, and sloth, by the “scientific” mastery of temptation. It is to lead people astray from their own real interests."

This is a quote from an article I read recently, and it hit home.  Am I being tampered with - systematically and scientifically tempted and exploited?   Being led away from my own real interests?   

That's a tough question to answer if I don't have a clear picture of where my self interests truly lie.  What am I trying to achieve in this life? What goals am I chasing?

I think the stock answer to these questions is happiness.  My goal is to achieve happiness, to experience joy  - and not just any kind of happiness, I want a happiness and joy that is lasting and fulfilling.

OK, so my "real interests" are focused on achieving a lasting happiness that fills the hole in my heart that nothing else fills.  According to the quote above, I am being lead away from this focus by my brokenness that lies in envy, pride, greed wrath , gluttony, lust and sloth.  The first four (envy, pride, greed and wrath or anger) are all ego-centric vices in which I am comparing myself to others in hopes of being recognized as 'better' or 'worthy.' When I 'win' this competition, I get a jolt of happiness. The last 3 (gluttony, lust and sloth) are all in service to my individual carnal pleasures and/or comfort.  Just the mere partaking in these activities stokes happiness.

 But the quote is stating, and if I think about it my experience confirms,  that these forms of happiness are counterfeit - they do not last and they ultimately do not fulfill.  They provide a quick fix that fizzles away after a limited amount of time, and then once again I am on the gerbil wheel looking for the next hit of it.  They are not in my best self interest to pursue.

Yet this is exactly what our society today is offering in its daily messaging to me of what I should be chasing in life.  

So why do I fall for the bait again, and again and again?

Might it be because I haven't yet found true joy, the kind that can actually fill that hole in my heart - and so I go back again to the counterfeit just to get a glimpse of it, even if it is just a shadow of the real thing?

Are you on this wheel with me?

Vulnerability

Can you ask a friend for help when you think you’re supposed to have the answer?
Would you ask a new acquaintance to go grab a meal or some ice cream together?
Are you willing to seek aid from a new colleague on a critical project?
Would you admit to your spouse you feared some aspect of life?
Are you willing to share your faith on a controversial topic with one of a different faith?
Realizing you may be short on skills, would you ask someone of a team to become a member? Would you perform a song or recite a poem you wrote in public?
Are you willing to take a risk to leave a comfortable job to apply for a job you dreamed of working?
Have we become obsessed with being perfect, flawless in beauty, wealth, fame, power?

 

In working with teens, I know they could list several vulnerabilities in their lives. Yet, as adults, I know there are just as many vulnerable questions. Unfortunately, much anger seems to accompany vulnerabilities we face. As a college student, one of my favorite authors was Fr. John Powell, a Jesuit psychologist and professor at Loyola University in Chicago. He wrote a short book entitled, “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?” It became an international best seller because I, like so many, am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am and it’s all I have. We preach not to compare ourselves to the “Jones’s,” and around every corner we are compared to some standard … and more of them are coming.

Jesus was definitely not "standard." If anything, he was vulnerable! Jesus lived a life of vulnerability and for those in relationship with him, they had to be vulnerable to him.

Mary brought a pound of costly perfume made from genuine aromatic nard, with which she anointed Jesus’ feet. Then she dried his feet with her hair, and the house was filled with ointment’s fragrance. Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples protested: “Why was not this perfume sold? It could have brought 300 silver pieces, and the money have been given to the poor.” John 12: 3-6

Vulnerability: capable of or susceptible of being wounded or hurt; open to moral attack, criticism, temptation. Certainly, Mary received Judas' sharp criticism antagonistically wrapped in false nobility for the poor.

To you who hear me, I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you; bless those who curse you and pray for those who maltreat you. When someone slaps you on one cheek, turn and give him the other; when someone takes your coat, let him have your shirt as well. Give to all who beg from you. When a man takes what is yours, do not demand it back. Do to others what you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:27-31

Vulnerability permeates genuine relationships, connections. We must allow ourselves to be “seen.” Our presence in the sacrament of reconciliation has evolved from the private telephone booth with sliding privacy screen to -- a face to face meeting with our clergy. An admission to separating ourselves from God has placed us in a more vulnerable position. Fr. Powell writes that personal vulnerability allows authentic, positive change and transformation to grow in relationships with our spouses, families, friends, colleagues … and with God! Unlike our days of youth, we have learned to use power, certitude, and meritocracy to camouflage our vulnerability withdrawing from grace - to remain unknown to us. 

When I visit with former students, I find those to be most grounded have courageously risked their worthiness. Those who know love have experienced heartbreak. Those who know a place of belonging, home, work, or church have risked exclusion. Those who have built enduring friendships have risked separation.

They believe they are worthy of love … belonging … connection. Fr. Powell states “they must let go of who they thought they should be for who they are.”

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.
Are you willing to say “I love you” first?
Are you willing to risk where there are no guarantees?
Are you willing to enter a relationship that may or may not work out?
Are you willing to grow out of a job evaluation?
Have we grown uncomfortable with mystery, uncertainty in our faith ... desiring to be "right and always certain" ... desiring to crystallize the fluency of the parables?

At the core of wounded relationships lies shame, fear, and unworthiness. Jesus recognized this, inviting people to share their stories and to heal their brokenness. The gospels are filled with stories, birthplaces of joy, sharing, creativity, love. Today, one continues to read Fr. Powell's words in new publications. "You're imperfect and you're worthy of my unconditional love," actions lived by our Lord. He says to be vulnerable is to welcome spiritual awakening. The Loyola Jesuit recommends what Jesus practiced in his vulnerability.  

Love richly.
Practice gratitude and joy.
Pause and be in the moment.

The least vulnerable will be last and the most vulnerable will be first!

Orlando

by Fred Vilbig

As you have heard, last weekend, a man (who his ex-wife described as mentally unstable) killed approximately 50 people in Orlando, Florida. The only decent reaction to that should be a profound sorrow. Each one of those people was a loved brother or sister, son or daughter, and friend to many other people. If you have ever had a family member or close friend die, you will understand that the loss of another person is profound. People, each one of us, are a beautiful gift from God. Even if you disagree with their lifestyle, as the old Latin adage goes, you should hate the sin, but love the sinner.

I think it is profoundly sad and unjust, but politicians and political pundits have already begun to use this senseless act of violence to advance their political agenda. We haven’t even buried and mourned the victims of this horrendous loss of life, and some are using them, objectifying them to advance some cause. This is an instance where we in America make people into things. We objectify them to advance our pet project.

As Catholics, we should not, no, we cannot do that.

Home Sweet Home

They say it’s where the heart is.  That there’s no place like it.  It’s where we eat, sleep, work, pray, laugh, cry, slam doors, and open them back up again.  It’s where we spend most of our lives.  And the people that share that space with us are the closest relationships we have.  

I’m out of town at a convention for work.  I woke up in the middle of the night looking for the familiar layout of my bedroom.  I realized I was not at home.  I noticed the sense of longing I had to return.  My comforts, my security, my abundant love, was far away.  What is it about our homes that give us such peace and joy?  Even on vacations, or fun nights on the town, there is an exhale that naturally comes out when you pull back into your driveway. 

Now, I know that all of our homes are not sanctuaries of love and understanding.  It can be a war zone at times, and feel like a place you want to escape from rather than return to.  But those moments usually pass with time, and the centering and peace you are longing for is waiting for you there in your favorite spot.

Moments like last night remind me how important it is to make sure my home is a place where everyone in my family feels safe.  Not just from storms or crime, but from judgement, ridicule, expectations and conditional love.  A place where you feel like you belong.   I read an article about homelessness.  They said the hardest part was losing yourself.  There is something in our hearts, in the design of our beings that needs a place of our own.

I can’t help but wonder, if our homes and our families are a foretaste of heaven.  The grand architect has designed a pull in our hearts to return home.  In the same way I long to go back to where I came from at the end of the day, God is calling me to return to Him after this life.  

I’m not in a hurry.  I have still have some more adventures to go on.  But when I do, I'll recognize that familiar, comfortable feeling.  I’m home.

Gift-Love

My oldest son recently turned 20.  He just completed his 2nd year in college.  We were blessed to have him home with us for a few weeks before he headed back to school to take some summer classes and work on campus.  The dynamic around our household is different when he is home, in a good way.  He is a naturally talkative kid, unlike his dad, and truly cares for and values his family.   He has on his own grown into a role as a sort of mediator between my wife and I and the rest of the his siblings, who he loves and willingly gives his time and attention.  They adore him and look to him as a role model. 

It was especially difficult to say goodbye to him this time.  It is always an emotional send off, but for some reason I felt a greater loss in my heart as I hugged him and told him I loved him.  My wife confirmed that she also felt this deeper pang, a longing for an earlier time when we had him all to ourselves. 

Upon reflection, I think this deeper pain comes from the knowledge - building over time as he grew and went away, but confirmed maybe in my mind for the first time after the recent visit - that he no longer needs me, needs us.  He has taken wings and flown from the nest.  I know I will always be his father, but the time when my wife and I were the primary figures in his life  - his protector and provider, his source for all he needed, his hero - those times have faded and are forever gone.

Some of that pain may also be brought on from the fear that I did not do all I could to give him the love he so rightly deserved...deserves...

“Need-love says of a woman “I cannot live without her”; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection...Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.” 

           ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves