Gift-Love

My oldest son recently turned 20.  He just completed his 2nd year in college.  We were blessed to have him home with us for a few weeks before he headed back to school to take some summer classes and work on campus.  The dynamic around our household is different when he is home, in a good way.  He is a naturally talkative kid, unlike his dad, and truly cares for and values his family.   He has on his own grown into a role as a sort of mediator between my wife and I and the rest of the his siblings, who he loves and willingly gives his time and attention.  They adore him and look to him as a role model. 

It was especially difficult to say goodbye to him this time.  It is always an emotional send off, but for some reason I felt a greater loss in my heart as I hugged him and told him I loved him.  My wife confirmed that she also felt this deeper pang, a longing for an earlier time when we had him all to ourselves. 

Upon reflection, I think this deeper pain comes from the knowledge - building over time as he grew and went away, but confirmed maybe in my mind for the first time after the recent visit - that he no longer needs me, needs us.  He has taken wings and flown from the nest.  I know I will always be his father, but the time when my wife and I were the primary figures in his life  - his protector and provider, his source for all he needed, his hero - those times have faded and are forever gone.

Some of that pain may also be brought on from the fear that I did not do all I could to give him the love he so rightly deserved...deserves...

“Need-love says of a woman “I cannot live without her”; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection...Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.” 

           ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves