Be Not Afraid

It has been months since I’ve written.  When I saw I was not on the blog schedule during Lent, I was saddened.  Once this pandemic hit, I was upset I would not be sharing my thoughts.  As Easter approached and we all dealt with our new realities surrounding religious worship, I wished to write.  All of those thoughts were my own ego shining through.  My own idea that something I might write would be of value or importance greater than the revelations you were encountering already on your own.

Now that Easter has come, I am scheduled to write, and I am failing.  I cannot share words of encouragement, or joy, because those feelings do not exist within me at the moment.  I have written a dozen entries for this blog post, and deleted them all.  I had put onto paper the feelings that I do strongly have…anger, sadness, distress.  Perhaps many of you feel those as well.  If misery loves company, then perhaps those deleted writings could have helped you to feel less alone, and more connected.

Just as I have every year in recent memory, I spent Good Friday backpacking, and then sleeping in the woods alone that night.  This was one of very few traditions that I was able to continue this year.  Most of my other family customs and personal traditions surrounding Holy Week and Easter were denied this year, as they were for many of you.  In past years, I always ventured into the woods to escape the pace of society, to get away from work and email and phone calls.  I did it to disrupt my everyday normalcy and force something different…quiet…uncomfortable into my life in order to reflect on the importance of the season.  This year, my Good Friday retreat alone in the woods did not fulfill its purpose.  It was, in fact, the most “normal” day I had experienced in several weeks.  The rest of Lent had already been too different and uncomfortable.     

This lockdown of American, and worldwide, society has polarized the nation more than any political issue in memory.  As we are asked to abandon “normal” life, avoid activities that bring us joy, give up wealth, and surrender businesses built with blood and sweat over decades, spiritual activities are not immune.  The full and complete shutdown of the public celebration of the holy sacrifice of the mass in our Archdiocese, and most diocese throughout the country, is taking a toll on the spiritual lives of millions.  Risk vs. Reward is the cry heard often.  No matter your personal thoughts on all of this, opinions are strong and vary widely. 

These opinions do not divide along political party lines.  They do not reveal themselves as conservative or liberal.  They are not bound by country, or state, or city, or race, or religion.  Yet these varying opinions exist and they exist strongly.  Whenever the world opens back up, and society attempts a return to the new normal, we will go back to work…back to school…back to church…and back to our family dinner tables with people who may have taken a stand during the crisis, perhaps strongly opposed to our own.  You may pray for an extension and increase of quarantine orders, or you may pray for a complete, immediate, and total opening of society, or your own opinion may be even more extreme to one end, or somewhere more in the middle.  Regardless, how will we act towards others when we enter into the New Normal?

These are real and true problems.  These are real and true issues and beliefs held by intelligent, caring, moral individuals ON BOTH SIDES of the spectrum.  I myself hold very strong beliefs, and have seen, first hand, everything over the past few weeks from the death of a family member, to the destruction of a multi-generational business.  If I wrote this correctly, however, hopefully all were able to read this impartially, without noting a bias.  Hopefully I have been successful to this point.

Now to state my opinion.  This goes to something I hold as stronger than health and income and economy and even any life on this earth.  Let us look at the Risk vs. Reward decisions impacting our spiritual life, and ultimately, our immortal soul.  I applaud the creative efforts of our priests, pastors, and parishioners to minister to the flock at this difficult time.  The utilization of technology to provide viewing of Sunday masses, and to allow people to virtually “join” Stations of the Cross and rosary sessions, has been impressive.  The creative efforts taken to continue to provide the sacrament of reconciliation has been refreshing and appreciated.

I must be honest however.  My first viewing of mass online, on my family room TV, was unfulfilling.  My viewing of Easter Sunday mass was saddening.  Seeing incense being used during the mass, but not being able to smell, and have decades of memories flood back as it does every time, was depressing.  Not being able to partake in the full, personal, physical act of communion during mass is maddening.  I appreciate the positive statements of priests, the uplifting homilies, the writings of many who see this as a time to grow in their faith, and those who see an opportunity from God to appreciate all that we have.  I understand the miraculous gift that is “spiritual communion” whereas we unite ourselves in prayer to each other, to the church, to the priest at the moment of consecration, and to our risen Savior and Lord.  I, however, also know my own faults, my own doubts, and my own weaknesses.

The undeniable Source and Summit of our faith is the Eucharist.  It is the center of our Church’s life.  In memory of Jesus, as written in the gospels…according to the catechism…as carried out for millennia within the liturgical celebration, the holy sacrifice of the mass…to be partaken of…with faithful gathered together.  Within that context we are promised and assured that Jesus becomes one with us as we receive him.  I know that this is possible regardless of time and space because I have faith that, with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.  However, I am weak and I long for the Eucharist.  The Eucharist is the source of grace, because it is the Giver of grace Himself.

The spiritual shepherd of our diocese must take upon himself the decision to relieve or extend our obligation for Sunday mass, and we are blessed that we do not have the moral burden of making that decision for ourselves.  I ask for prayers for him, and for all bishops and church leaders, that the wisdom of the Holy Spirit guides their decisions.  I, personally, do hope that we are allowed to be joined together PHYSICALLY in the mass again SOONER rather than later.  My soul longs for this.  Even if the relief from our Sunday obligation is continued, which I imagine it must be for those most at risk, I personally want the option and the opportunity to partake for myself and for my family.

If the question is risk vs. reward, do I risk physical death for spiritual life?  That answer is undeniably YES.  But with that YES, I admit I am a hypocrite.  If I wasn’t, then my attendance would have been mandatory at daily mass prior to the pandemic.  It wasn’t.  I slept in.  I exercised.  I went to work early.  I did not take every opportunity to participate in mass when it was offered.  Now that it is taken away, however, I hunger for it all the more…I thirst.

I hope that creative solutions come soon which allow us options to join together physically in the sacrifice of the mass here on earth.  And for that matter I hope to soon see the Baptism of our Catechumens, and Confirmation for our 8^th graders.  If my teenage daughter and her co-workers can continue to provide the good people of our community with drive-thru frozen custard during these most troubling of times, I truly hope that access to receive the Eucharist cannot be denied much longer.  I do not say this with any disrespect, or assumption that one thing equals the other; I simply allow my frustration, my hope, and my desire, to be revealed here for all.

I noticed all throughout Lent that the readings repeated statements to “Be Not Afraid” and similar encouraging statements from Jesus and the apostles not to fear.  I encourage going back through the Sunday mass readings over the past two months, and reading them again for yourselves.  The Word of the Lord will certainly be of more comfort than anything I could ever write. 

Be not afraid.

Written By:  Matt Buehrig