I wish I could be there, but I can't

Well, here we are a few days away from my son getting married.  I’m so excited for him.  I remember like it was yesterday starting my life with Lisa.  We didn’t have a clue, but somehow we bumped and bounced our way through life.  I think back through our engagement and our first years of marriage.  It was all so new and amazing.  We had waited so long for this, that it felt like we had finally arrived at some long awaited destination.  Little did we know that we were only beginning our journey.  We’ve had some amazing experiences.  Four beautiful children, losing my job, starting a company, finding our faith, the death of my dad, all of it.  With Lisa and Hanna being gone for a week on pilgrimage, it’s given me a quick taste of what my life would be like without a partner to share it with.  It’s a strange feeling.  There wasn’t a lot of loneliness, since I can busy myself with visits to friends and family and business trips.  There was just a loss of purpose I guess.  All of the feelings I have about Joey moving out of the house, the frustrations I have at work, the “where is my blue overnight bag?” question.  Life has more meaning and richness when someone is shoulder to shoulder with you living it out.  It makes me think of my mom, living alone in her condo, quietly missing my dad for the last eight years who she said just made everyday ordinary things seem bigger and more exciting.  

Our daily work is transformed into a grand adventure when you have someone to share it with.  I sat alone in mass for the first time on Sunday.  I think that might have been when I missed Lisa and Hanna the most. Yet there are so many people I see in our parish who go to mass alone every week, and I never paid it much attention.

I think of Adam when he finally had Eve enter his life.  There was this, “Yes!” that leapt from his soul. He was designed to be in union with someone and once that happened, he was like, “Finally, this is it!”  I get it.  I feel that same way.  Now don’t get me wrong, my marriage isn’t a constant, blissful glow of appreciation. We drive each other crazy, and push the other’s buttons.  But there are moments like this week where I get a glimpse of what my life would be like alone.  It’s in those brief instances that I am thankful that God designed me to be in communion. Ultimately that communion is to be with him, but the closest thing to that is the communion I have in marriage. My vocation in life.  My foretaste of heaven.

That’s what I want for my son.  Not an easy life.  Not an argument free marriage.  Heck, some of the most formative moments in my marriage were when we were at the brink. I wish him the knowledge and confidence that all of the joys and pains he will experience in his life, outside of my protection, is meant to forge him into the man that God wants him to become. It reminds me of a song I heard from Marc Broussard.  The song is written to his son, explaining how he can’t be there with him, but he loves him and wishes him well.  I think in a lot of ways, that’s the hardest part for me.  Knowing that I have to let him go.   I want to take care of my son.  I want to provide for him.  I have this need to grill something for him to eat, or to make him laugh.  But I can’t.  It’s time for him to start his life, like I started mine.  I wish him well.

Marc Brassard Gavin's Song

I wish you freedom
I wish you peace
I wish you nights of stars
That beckon you to sleep

I wish you heartache
That leaves you more of a man
I wish I could be there
But I can't

I wish you places
That sit so still
Where people never ever change
And never ever will

I wish I could hold you
And make you understand
I wish I could be there
But I can't

Be good for your mama
'Cause she'll need a hand to hold
Boy, she loves you
More than you'll ever know
There are rhymes and there are reasons
And times when nothing stayed the same
But you know my love still remains

I wish you wisdom
I wish you years
I wish you armies
To conquer all your fears

I wish you courage
For all that life demands
I wish I could be there
But I can't

Be good for your mama
'Cause she'll need a hand to hold
Boy, she loves you
More than you'll ever know
There are rhymes and there are reasons
And times when nothing stayed the same
But you know my love still remains

I wish we were together
I wish I was home
I wish there were nights
Where I was never alone

I know, I've said it
But I'll say it once again
I wish I could be there
But I can't