Honoring Mom and Dad

by Mike Hey

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you." - Exodus 20:12

When Moses brought the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai he must not have had an aging Mother! While I know he meant well, he sure didn’t have much of a sense of humor, and sometimes too I question if my Lord does. So this is where I am in my life today. Dad died in 2000. The man was such a good planner that he had even prepared a folder entitled “In the Event of My Death”. This certainly helped us with the affairs of his death, however unfortunately it didn’t include instructions on how to care for an aging Mother. Please don’t misunderstand. I love my Mom, piece of work that she is, but nothing prepares us for dealing with aging. As the oldest of three most of “the fun” is mine.

In general she is doing pretty well for 82. Two replaced hips and an on-going battle with colitis are her only real health issues, physical health that is. Her memory however is starting to concern me, particularly driving directions. In the past year she has gotten herself lost three times with frantic phone calls trying to find out where she is. I am now starting to wonder if it is time for “the talk”.

I try to spend a few days each month with her (which both of us enjoy), and call her most every day. The last few years I have been asking her to tell me the story of her family, and of ours before I came along. These are often funny and both of us enjoy them. On phone conversations I will talk about something Lucy and I are doing, or ask her a question and invariably it is repeated the next day. Sometimes she catches herself and apologizes, but most times she laughs it off if reminded, admitting that she is losing her mind. The monthly discussion following her attempt to balance her checkbook is a regular source frustration for her and mental consternation for me – c’mon Mom, it’s a $1.64. Lucy and I never had kids so maybe raising children is something like this? One of the reasons I retired early was so that I could be there for her, but this, really? You know what; these are small matters that annoy me, but are insignificant and pale in comparison to all she has done for her family. Prayers for her health and for my ability to provide wise, patient, and loving care are constant themes of mine.

So what does it mean to honor your father and mother, especially older parents? God wants our honor to extend throughout our parents’ lives. Family is a lifetime commitment, reflecting the permanence of the family relationship we are called to in becoming children of God. As the apostle John wrote, “Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1).

God intends for us to continue to show respect and honor for our parents long after we leave home and perhaps even more as they age and may require support and care. The Bible has much to say about caring for elderly parents and other family members who are not able to care for themselves. The early Christian church acted as the social services agency for other believers. They cared for the poor, the sick, the widows and the orphans who had no one else to care for them. Christians who had family members in need were expected to meet those needs. Unfortunately, caring for our parents in their old age is no longer an obligation that many are willing to accept.

We should never allow the cares of the world to overshadow the things that are most important—serving God through serving people, especially the people in our own families. The elderly can be seen as burdens rather than blessings. Sometimes we are quick to forget the sacrifices our parents made for us when they are in need of care themselves. Trust me, I was a total jerk as a teen-ager but somehow Mom and Dad persevered. Instead of taking them into our homes—whenever that is safe and feasible—we put them in retirement communities or nursing homes, sometimes against their will. We may not value the wisdom they have acquired through living long lives, and we can discredit their advice as “outdated.”

When we honor and care for our parents, we are serving God as well. “The church should care for any widow who has no one else to care for her. But if she has children or grandchildren, their first responsibility is to show godliness at home and repay their parents by taking care of them. This is something that pleases God very much....But those who won't care for their own relatives, especially those living in the same household, have denied what we believe. Such people are worse than unbelievers” (1 Timothy 5:3-4, 8).

Not all elderly people need or want constant, live-in care in their children's homes. They may prefer to live in a community with other people their age, or they may be quite capable of complete independence. Thank God that my Mom is. Regardless of the circumstances, we still have obligations to our parents. If they are in need of financial assistance, we should help them. If they are sick, we should take care of them. If they need a place to stay, we should offer our home. If they need help with household and/or yard work, we should step up to assist. And if they are under the care of a nursing facility, we need to assess the living conditions to make sure our parents are being properly and lovingly cared for. This is not a day I am looking forward to, and hope and pray for her sake and mine that I can be the loving son she raised when she needs me the most.

Please remember in your prayers Mike Mainzer and his family whose mother recently passed away.